Detail

해낼 수 있는 것이 목표라면
현실적으로 이루어지기 힘든 그 어떤 것을 간절히 바라는 것이 소원인 것 같다.
올해 소원을 정했다.
바르게 선 생활로 돌아와주길...

왜 짜증이 났을까?

시작은!
이력서 포스팅 내린지가 한참인데
잊지 않고 찾아준 서치펌 담당자가 혹시라는 마음에 불을 지폈다...
모시던 부장님이 개인사로 회사를 그만두시면서...
좀 더 큰 회사 생활하는 것이 더 좋을 듯 싶다라며 조심스레 말씀하신게 불꽃을 키웠고...
내가 먹히는 인력일까란 호기심에 낼름 이력서를 올렸더니
덥썩 준척 두마리가 미끼를 물었고...
지쳐가는 호기심에 만나봤더니 고만고만 하긴 한데
최소한 퇴근은 8시 전에 할 수 있는 회사인 것 처럼 보이고...
게다가 속한 회사에선
별로 탐탁치 않은 분야의 일을 맡기고...
좋게 생각하면 앞마당 멀티 확장인 셈이지만
개스는 동해 한복판 만큼 멀고 험한 데다가
미네랄은 물 사먹기 전엔 나오기 힘든 분야고...

결론은!
일은 좋은데 생활이 없어서 부아가 치밀어 오른 것...
이대로 썩어야 하나 싶어 포기하고 다니려는데
먹힐 만한 다른 일꺼리가 있다는 것이 마음구석을 들 쑤셔놨고...
연애 세포는 레이 세포한테 쳐맞았는지 탱천할 기미 조차 없고...

그런데!
이 생각 저 생각하기 귀찮으니 어쩐다...
당장 내일 저녁에 면접 오라는데
주절주절 쓸 힘은 있어도
그 회사 약력 들추며 패기있는 모습 보여줄 여력은 없고...

명색이
서치펌의 자랑이 되어 대표 출전인데
최소한 구경가서 밝고 선명하게 웃어줘야하는 것이 도리이거늘
일과 끝나고, 그것도 가능할진 미지수...
쩔어있는 모냥새로
밝고 선명하고 자신있게 웃음을 날려줄 지 모르겠다...

월차라도 낼까봐.. -ㅁ-)

생각해보면 반듯하게 오랫동안 머물렀던 조직은 초등학교 뿐이다...
그렇다하면 이력서상으로 교육기관을 제외하고
가장 오래 머물렀던 곳은?

군대...

부끄럽게도 회사, 조직, 돈과 시간을 바꾸는 영리집단에서
적을 두었던 시간은 길어야 1년...
이리저리 옮겨다니는 뜨내기 인생이 저쪽의 풍토라 변명할 수 있긴하지만
내 개인의 삶을 철저히 숨긴채 조직 안에서 동화되기를 거부하며
불평불만을 꾹꾹 참아오다 결국 곪아 터진게 아닐까 싶다.
불러주는 데는 많으니 옮기고 또 옮기고...
돈도 조금씩 오르니 옮기고 또 옮기고...
직급도 조금씩 오르니 옮기고 또 옮기고...
잘난 줄 알고....

다시 찾아온 고비...
터닝포인트일지 블라인드 코너일지 잘 모르겠다.
솔직히 변명...
12시간 기본 근무는 익숙해져만가고
적막 속에 키보드만 또각거리며
메신저로 감정을 전하는 회사 사람들 보는 순간 토할 것 같은 기분까지-
저녁먹으러 길을 나서면 삼삼오오 모여 퇴근하는 사람들.
그 모습보면 흔들리니까 회사 앞 식당에서 퍼먹고...
적게 받는 돈은 아닌데
좀 적게받더라도 내 생활을 찾고 싶은 욕심도 있고...
한편으론 일이 쉬우면 빡센 어제를 그리워했던 추억도 있는터라
이러지도 저러지도 못하고있다...

곧 죽어도 1년은 채우겠다란 결심..
올 한해 목표에 핵심인터라
지기도 싫고, 포기하긴 더 싫고...

천천히 가다듬기로 하자...

오늘 집값을 내면 이번달 순수입이 얼만지 판가름난다.
23만원.
1월달의 NET은 23만원이다.
아직 월급날까지 10여일을 더 버텨야하는데 과연 지폐 한장 없이 버틸 수 있을까?
동생이 들어왔다는 핑계로 아버지 카드 받은 탓에 이정도 돈이 남을 수 있었다만
녀석의 모든 술값과 밥값과 가끔 뭍어가는 내 잡비를 순수히 내 돈으로 계산했다면
아마 어제 꿈처럼 갚아야 할 돈에 치어 허둥지둥했을 게다.

새해마다 빠지지 않는 단골 목표가 가계부 작성인데
올해도 작심삼일이 되고 말았다.
영수증 당연히 건네줬던 저 나라와 달리
당연히 말해야만 건네주는 풍토인 터라
모아서 나중에 정리하겠다는 다짐은 어색한 변명이되버렸고
꼼꼼히 기록하겠다는 의지 또한 알콜에 흥청망청 사라지곤 해서
조심스레 반성하고 깊이 늬우치고 있다.

연봉인상이 될지,
내가 원하는 만큼 올려줄지도 잘 모르겠거니와
얼마큼 벌어야 하는가에 대한 욕심의 끝 조차 잘 모르겠지만
그저 올해는 목표로 했던 만큼
입대했다는 마음으로 부조리나 불합리나 불평들 입에 올리지 말고
중간에 포기하지 않고 멀리보며 조근조근 다져나갈 수 있도록 정성을 다했으면한다.

재물에 청렴하지 못하고
직위에 청렴하지 못하고
여색에 청렴하지 못한 인생을 멀리하고
그저 담담히 무뚝뚝하게 반듯하게 숨겨 웃으며 내일을 기도해야겠다.


 

포스팅했던 이력서에 입질이 오고있다...
옮기겠다는 생각이 없는 만큼
낚시질이나 실컷해볼 생각이다...
혹 모르지 대어가 잡힐런지도....

꼬박꼬박 찾아주는 헤드헌터들이 고맙게 느껴진다.
그들은 조직 속에서 개성을 잃어가는 내 자신에 대해
최소한 매력적이진 않더라도
적어도 쓸모있어 보이는 인력이란 생각이 들게한다.

담배를 샀다.
회사 다니면서 종종 얻어피우긴 했지만
처음으로 담배를 샀다.
수많은 브랜드 중에서
잠깐 고민하다가 손에 쥔 것은
Salem
내 첫 담배..
고 2, 골목길에서 콜록이며 피웠던 첫 담배이자
몸닳아가며 좋아했던 그녀가 즐겨피웠던 담배이며
몽롱히 정신 놓을 때 깊게 빠져들었던 담배...

한없이 고요하기만한 회사...
자판 두들기는 또각거림이
내 인생의 전부인 듯 싶어 겁이난다.

이국 땅에서 근본없는 여러회사를 떠돌다
내 땅에 발붙이고 처음으로 앉은 이 회사...
사소한 불합리와
별거아닌 투정과
극복할 수 있을 것 같은 불만들...

찾아주는 헤드헌터의 마음씨가 고마워서
온갖 포털에서 자취를 지웠건만
오늘의 위치를 찡그리며 맘 설레게하는 그들의 작은 배려가 감사하다.
무섭다.
어찌할 바를 모르겠다.

잘난 맛에 옮겨다니던 인생을 양복에 저며입고
경력관리하겠다 다짐하고 또 다짐했건만
오늘은 마음을 다스리기가 쉽지 않다....

휴우.....

31일에는 진달래가 만발한 꿈을 꿨다... 한웅큼 먹으라는 알수 없는 명령에 가득 담아 바닥에 내려놓고 입에 담으려는 찰나 조그만 거미가 있는 걸 보고 거미가 멀어지길 기다리다 깼다... 6일... 앞 집에 불이 훨훨 났다. 물끄러미 구경하던 나는 문을 열고 들어서는 소년이 된 채 집 앞에 서있었고 이내 불은 꺼지고 주인 아주머니와 발화의 원인을 2층에 사는 아가씨의 담배에서 찾고는 껄껄 웃고 깼다... 7일.... 한가득 짐을 안고 버스에 탔는데 운전사는 내려주지 않는다.. 통사정을 해서 짐을 이리저리 껴안고 빗속에 서럽게 내렸더니 부모님이 맞이해주시며 말 한필을 내주신다. 그 말을 타고 동네를 돌며 한껏 자랑하고 동네 사람들과 친구들의 부러움을 맘껏 느끼며 집에 돌아오는데 말 발걸음이 심상치 않다는 어느 노인의 말을 듣고 편자가 찌그러져있음을 발견했다. 맘 아파하는데 말이 말한다... 참을만 하다고... 편자를 벗겨내도 괜찮지만 참을만 하다고... 야생의 말들은 편자가 없이 잘 지낸다는 다큐멘타리 기억이 나서 벗겨내기로 하고 깼다.... 장가갈텐가? ㅎㅁㅎ

날씨가 나한테 미치는 영향...
빨래터에서 바지 밟으며 연골이 너덜너덜해진 터라
대기 중에 필요이상의 습기가 함유되면
말하기 힘든 불편함에 하루가 위축된다...

만사가 귀찮다...
겨울이라 공기는 더 차고
삭신은 더 쑤시는 것 같다...

살기좋았던 캘리포니아가 갑자기 그리워진다...
 

Audacity를 사전 그대로 '담대한'이라 표현한 것은
최소한 그의 04년 연설을 보지 않은 무지함을 드러낸 것이 아닐까?
담대함보다
오바마의 Audacity는 늠연한 기상이 느껴진다...
늠름하며 열의있는 늠열한, 늠연함...

깜둥이는 안돼...
라며 고개숙인 재미교포 녀석의 자조석인 비아냥이 생각났다..
그 녀석 잘있을까?
제 나라 싫어 떠난 이민자의 신분인 주제에
정체성없이 헤매는 녀석들이 불쌍할 뿐....
걸레질하며 약이나 불어대는 것이 녀석의 숙명일런지도....

Back to the future처럼 햄버거가게 점원이 대통령이 될지 아직 모르지만
킹 목사에서 콜린파웰에 이어 오바마까지....
시간은 째각째각 24~

Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Dick Durbin. You make us all proud.

On behalf of the great state of Illinois, crossroads of a nation, Land of Lincoln, let me express my deepest gratitude for the privilege of addressing this convention.

Tonight is a particular honor for me because, let’s face it, my presence on this stage is pretty unlikely. My father was a foreign student, born and raised in a small village in Kenya. He grew up herding goats, went to school in a tin-roof shack. His father -- my grandfather -- was a cook, a domestic servant to the British.

But my grandfather had larger dreams for his son. Through hard work and perseverance my father got a scholarship to study in a magical place, America, that shone as a beacon of freedom and opportunity to so many who had come before.

While studying here, my father met my mother. She was born in a town on the other side of the world, in Kansas. Her father worked on oil rigs and farms through most of the Depression. The day after Pearl Harbor my grandfather signed up for duty; joined Patton’s army, marched across Europe. Back home, my grandmother raised a baby and went to work on a bomber assembly line. After the war, they studied on the G.I. Bill, bought a house through F.H.A., and later moved west all the way to Hawaii in search of opportunity.

And they, too, had big dreams for their daughter. A common dream, born of two continents.

My parents shared not only an improbable love, they shared an abiding faith in the possibilities of this nation. They would give me an African name, Barack, or ”blessed,” believing that in a tolerant America your name is no barrier to success. They imagined -- They imagined me going to the best schools in the land, even though they weren’t rich, because in a generous America you don’t have to be rich to achieve your potential.

  They're both passed away now. And yet, I know that on this night they look down on me with great pride.

They stand here -- And I stand here today, grateful for the diversity of my heritage, aware that my parents’ dreams live on in my two precious daughters. I stand here knowing that my story is part of the larger American story, that I owe a debt to all of those who came before me, and that, in no other country on earth, is my story even possible.

Tonight, we gather to affirm the greatness of our Nation — not because of the height of our skyscrapers, or the power of our military, or the size of our economy. Our pride is based on a very simple premise, summed up in a declaration made over two hundred years ago:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That is the true genius of America, a faith -- a faith in simple dreams, an insistence on small miracles; that we can tuck in our children at night and know that they are fed and clothed and safe from harm; that we can say what we think, write what we think, without hearing a sudden knock on the door; that we can have an idea and start our own business without paying a bribe; that we can participate in the political process without fear of retribution, and that our votes will be counted -- at least most of the time.

This year, in this election we are called to reaffirm our values and our commitments, to hold them against a hard reality and see how we're measuring up to the legacy of our forbearers and the promise of future generations.

And fellow Americans, Democrats, Republicans, Independents, I say to you tonight: We have more work to do --  more work to do for the workers I met in Galesburg, Illinois, who are losing their union jobs at the Maytag plant that’s moving to Mexico, and now are having to compete with their own children for jobs that pay seven bucks an hour; more to do for the father that I met who was losing his job and choking back the tears, wondering how he would pay 4500 dollars a month for the drugs his son needs without the health benefits that he counted on; more to do for the young woman in East St. Louis, and thousands more like her, who has the grades, has the drive, has the will, but doesn’t have the money to go to college.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The people I meet -- in small towns and big cities, in diners and office parks -- they don’t expect government to solve all their problems. They know they have to work hard to get ahead,  and they want to. Go into the collar counties around Chicago, and people will tell you they don’t want their tax money wasted, by a welfare agency or by the Pentagon. Go in -- Go into any inner city neighborhood, and folks will tell you that government alone can’t teach our kids to learn; they know that parents have to teach, that children can’t achieve unless we raise their expectations and turn off the television sets and eradicate the slander that says a black youth with a book is acting white. They know those things.

People don’t expect -- People don't expect government to solve all their problems. But they sense, deep in their bones, that with just a slight change in priorities, we can make sure that every child in America has a decent shot at life, and that the doors of opportunity remain open to all.

They know we can do better. And they want that choice.

In this election, we offer that choice. Our Party has chosen a man to lead us who embodies the best this country has to offer. And that man is John Kerry.

John Kerry understands the ideals of community, faith, and service because they’ve defined his life. From his heroic service to Vietnam, to his years as a prosecutor and lieutenant governor, through two decades in the United States Senate, he's devoted himself to this country. Again and again, we’ve seen him make tough choices when easier ones were available.

His values and his record affirm what is best in us. John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded; so instead of offering tax breaks to companies shipping jobs overseas, he offers them to companies creating jobs here at home.

John Kerry believes in an America where all Americans can afford the same health coverage our politicians in Washington have for themselves.

John Kerry believes in energy independence, so we aren’t held hostage to the profits of oil companies, or the sabotage of foreign oil fields.

John Kerry believes in the Constitutional freedoms that have made our country the envy of the world, and he will never sacrifice our basic liberties, nor use faith as a wedge to divide us.

And John Kerry believes that in a dangerous world war must be an option sometimes, but it should never be the first option.

You know, a while back -- awhile back I met a young man named Shamus in a V.F.W. Hall in East Moline, Illinois. He was a good-looking kid -- six two, six three, clear eyed, with an easy smile. He told me he’d joined the Marines and was heading to Iraq the following week. And as I listened to him explain why he’d enlisted, the absolute faith he had in our country and its leaders, his devotion to duty and service, I thought this young man was all that any of us might ever hope for in a child.

But then I asked myself, "Are we serving Shamus as well as he is serving us?"

I thought of the 900 men and women -- sons and daughters, husbands and wives, friends and neighbors, who won’t be returning to their own hometowns. I thought of the families I’ve met who were struggling to get by without a loved one’s full income, or whose loved ones had returned with a limb missing or nerves shattered, but still lacked long-term health benefits because they were Reservists.

When we send our young men and women into harm’s way, we have a solemn obligation not to fudge the numbers or shade the truth about why they’re going, to care for their families while they’re gone, to tend to the soldiers upon their return, and to never ever go to war without enough troops to win the war, secure the peace, and earn the respect of the world.

Now -- Now let me be clear. Let me be clear. We have real enemies in the world. These enemies must be found. They must be pursued. And they must be defeated. John Kerry knows this. And just as Lieutenant Kerry did not hesitate to risk his life to protect the men who served with him in Vietnam, President Kerry will not hesitate one moment to use our military might to keep America safe and secure.

John Kerry believes in America. And he knows that it’s not enough for just some of us to prosper -- for alongside our famous individualism, there’s another ingredient in the American saga,  a belief that we’re all connected as one people. If there is a child on the south side of Chicago who can’t read, that matters to me, even if it’s not my child. If there is a senior citizen somewhere who can’t pay for their prescription drugs, and having to choose between medicine and the rent, that makes my life poorer, even if it’s not my grandparent. If there’s an Arab American family being rounded up without benefit of an attorney or due process, that threatens my civil liberties.

It is that fundamental belief -- It is that fundamental belief: I am my brother’s keeper. I am my sister’s keeper that makes this country work. It’s what allows us to pursue our individual dreams and yet still come together as one American family.

E pluribus unum: "Out of many, one."

Now even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us -- the spin masters, the negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of "anything goes." Well, I say to them tonight, there is not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America -- there’s the United States of America.

The pundits, the pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I’ve got news for them, too. We worship an "awesome God" in the Blue States, and we don’t like federal agents poking around in our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and yes, we’ve got some gay friends in the Red States. There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.

In the end -- In the end -- In the end, that’s what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or do we participate in a politics of hope?

John Kerry calls on us to hope. John Edwards calls on us to hope.

I’m not talking about blind optimism here -- the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don’t think about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about something more substantial. It’s the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a millworker’s son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too.

Hope -- Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope!

In the end, that is God’s greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation. A belief in things not seen. A belief that there are better days ahead.

I believe that we can give our middle class relief and provide working families with a road to opportunity.

I believe we can provide jobs to the jobless, homes to the homeless, and reclaim young people in cities across America from violence and despair.

I believe that we have a righteous wind at our backs and that as we stand on the crossroads of history, we can make the right choices, and meet the challenges that face us.

America! Tonight, if you feel the same energy that I do, if you feel the same urgency that I do, if you feel the same passion that I do, if you feel the same hopefulness that I do -- if we do what we must do, then I have no doubt that all across the country, from Florida to Oregon, from Washington to Maine, the people will rise up in November, and John Kerry will be sworn in as President, and John Edwards will be sworn in as Vice President, and this country will reclaim its promise, and out of this long political darkness a brighter day will come.

Thank you very much everybody. God bless you. Thank you.